Hey Joce, I haven't been on here in a while. Some days it is just too hard and I feel like if I can just stay in bed and the days pass, some day it may get a little easier. It hasn't so far and I know that I will always miss you. People tell me to focus on the great times we had and how lucky I was to have you in my life. I do that too... to honor you! But I can't help but want more - more memories, more giggles, more holidays, more vacations, more of everything! I think of you every day and I smile at some of the things that remind me of you (some I won't mention but I know you are laughing up there when you know what I am doing). I see Canada geese and think of you (and Dad correcting you saying it is still Canada geese, not Canadian geese!) Em brought home a bag of chips and they were the same ones we bought in the grocery store in Arkansas when I was freakin out about the possibility of Dad walking in and seeing us... I remember you just laughing and shaking your head at my paranoia :-) Your friends tell me you are watching and in one way I hope so because I want you to know how much we miss you but on the other hand I hope not because I don't want you to see how very sad we are and how having you not here is devasting our lives. I just want you to know that I am doing my best to make you proud, to honor you and that I love and miss you so very much!
Hey Joce, well it's the big B-Day again but it certainly isn't happy! I prayed all lastnight for the best present ever but I didn't get it... but I hope I do soon! I miss you ragging on my old age like you did every year, knowing you are 4 1/2 years older.. GEEZER! I miss you so much every day, not just today, but especially today because I know I would hear your voice first thing in the morning with an early birthday wake up call. Of course I will miss my annual birthday card too but I wouldn't expect to receive that today.. ha ha ha! Maybe 2 or 3 days from now.. our family tradition! I love you so much!!! Mom and I treasure our memories as we were talking about some things today.... like apparently you didn't want her to pull the weeds (uh, deep rooted grass) in the front of the house because it was too hard of work... uh hem... I recall pulling, digging, scratching, clawing at those weeds (GRASS) to put your pile of mulch down... only to have it return the next year. LOL, that was a losing cause. I miss you sooooo much! I love ya old turkey!
This morning when I was outside I heard a bird crowing so loudly I felt like it was right beside me. As hard as I looked to find it I did not see it anywhere. I began to cry and then I smiled. This warm feeling came over me. I knew the bird was there, but I didn't see it. Just like I know you are still with me, I just can't see you. Every day is so hard not being able to hear your voice, see your face or share our conversations, but I know you are there, I feel you! I love reading memories you shared with your family and friends. It brings comfort in a time where everything feels so strange and off kilter. My birthday in in 3 days and I am going to miss getting my typical sister birthday card from you with the ever present comment "I hope you like your gift". It is hard knowing that I will never get another sister birthday card from you but I treasure the ones I have and will read them as if they were fresh and new. I love you Joce and I miss you so very much! I am trying to be strong and I do treasure the memories and knowledge that we shared so much in our time together. I know that the pain is merely a reminder of how lucky I was to love you and be loved by you! I would endure this pain times eternity just to have had you in my life the way things were! I have no regrets about that! I love you!
Hey jocelyn. I've been putting off writing this for awhile because sometimes i think its still too painful for me.Recently I've been doing alot of artwork becuase it gets me in this zone( as I'm sure you know ) and it helps me cope.I know you wouldn't want me to always feel this way and each day I am able to somehow laugh. the other day I played that song Tennessee that you loved so much. It reminded me of coming back from Canada and you keeping it on repeat forever haha. Remember singing rockstar? Or us making up our own song and singing it to jessie in the back seat? I also found my digital camera in a pile in my room and there you are on a video i made hiding your canada hair while I tried to catch on film. I recently went on recruiting trip to Radford University for soccer , but I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about all that.I know it would be good to talk about how I feel with people , but i sometimes think that that just makes things worse.i wasn't able to come to your memorial here, only because I didn't think i could bear to rip the stitches again.I have the collages i made of you on my room, and each say I wake up and look at them with a smile on my face . Ya know I've only seen 2 shooting satrs in my life, and the first one was after my grandma died and i asked for a sign , and the second was after you had to leave. Jessie and I were driving to her dads and I was talking about you and all our wonderful times together and we looked out the window and a huge shooting star flew across the sky. I knew you snet that and at that moment I knew you would never really leave me . even though i was bawling it one of the happiest moments in my life. I love you so much and thanks for comforting me with that star.
Spirit is a good word to associate with Jocelyn. She had a spirit of competition, teamwork, trust, caring, and joy that will remain always. Perhaps it started in her early years of playing basketball. She had a firm knowledge of the importance of teamwork and always knew that she could accomplish anything she put her mind to. One Christmas some years ago when she was first getting interested in photography, I gave her a mat cutter. She knew nothing about cutting mats at the time. But later Jocelyn gave me one of her photos that was beautifully, flawlessly, and creatively matted. It will always be a treasured possession for me. She could do anything.
Jocelyn had a love of nature and her latest desire was to become proficient at doing close-up photography of insects and flowers. Jocelyn and Laura often reminisced about the camping and canoe trips we took when they came to Arkansas for the summers. I’m sure they never forgot the pet snake that I kept just for the summer so they would not grow up with a fear of snakes or other of natures creatures. No fear, just respect. Each summer for the last 10 years or so she spent a week or two with her wonderful friend Jennifer and her family at a rustic cabin in Canada. There, nature was “up close and personal” and I know she loved those weeks. It was in Canada where Jocelyn decided that “just because your fishing pole broke, doesn’t mean you have to stop fishing”. She fished with that broken pole and caught the biggest fish of the day. That experience exemplified Jocelyn’s life. Jocelyn took her skills and life experiences and used them to make other’s lives better……and she had a lot of fun and a lot of love in the process.
One of the last "good Deeds" Jocelyn did n this life was to volunteer asa photographer for a "Paws for Claus" in early December, a fund raiser for the Humane Society. I will cherish that photo of Jocelyn and Rufus as they were getting ready for the photo session.
There are many lovely words written as poetry to describe one’s life and to ease the pain of loss. They are truly wonderful and they really do help. I can only say that Jocelyn’s life was well lived, well loved, and too short.
I love you and miss you,
Dad
